Halloween 09

Hellllooooo out there. I'm back.

We received our infamous Party City catalog today, with all their splendid costume options for this season. As always, I immediately flipped it open and started looking through to see if they had any new and/or cute costumes to choose from (otherwise I'd have to resort to my age-old pirate costume...and Lord knows there are just too many pirates).

Now, every year, I'm always a little stunned at the amount of skin that some people are willing to show on Halloween, but the shock factor doesn't last too long, and I usually brush past the lingerie section of the ads to check out the Burger King or the Bacon&Eggs costume prices. But this year, I had to flip glossy page after glossy page to get to the incredibly small section at the back of the catalog that had a shred of humor and (dare I say it) decency.

Ladies and gentleman, the fashion industry has done it again. You have the traditional options such as "the Statue of Liberty" (Now complete with short skirt and garter belt!), and "story book sweetheart" (I'm pretty sure that making a young girl character into a sex icon is looked down upon in most cultures, although clearly it's alright in the American tradition).

But fear not! You have some new choices!

How about "the Eskimo cutie? A brown, low-cut dance leotard that flares out into a short skirt, complete with cotton fluff along the trim of the skirt, and a hood with two puffballs attached to the pull strings that will never be used. Throw on your favorite pair of white uggs that your daddy bought you to make the costume complete. (Newsflash: Eskimos don't wear those kinds of clothes outdoors. Only desperate girls in Michigan do.)

Or you can be "the Tribal Princess"! With feathers from some unknown bird that certainly never wandered the plains of this great land, lots of cleavage, and some fringe that (if you're lucky) will cover your cheeks, you'll look identical to Chief Slap-A-Hoe's wife.

Here's my point: There's no use in dressing like this on Halloween. If you want to get adventurous and show off your fun, kinky side, do it in the bedroom. Resorting to these kinds of costumes out in public only proves that you lack self-respect, self-worth, and creativity. Besides, you should leave some of those features that you prize most about yourself hidden (or only hinted at), thus leaving it up to the imagination of those who are interested in you - that makes you more desirable than throwing it all out there for anyone and everyone.

Oh well. Maybe I'll resort to the Greek Goddess costume. Or maybe I'll just dress normally and wear a sign that says "Nudist On Strike." Anything's better than the Eskimo cutie.