Turning-Point Anxiety

I can't remember if I've updated about this recently or not, but I'm officially moved in with Tim. We've been living together for quite some time now - I think since February. It's been a major adjustment for a lot of reasons (and, surprisingly, living with Tim has not been the most complicated part).

Coming home to an empty house at night legitimately scared me for quite some time. On an average night, I get home from work around 10:30-11:00 pm, whereas Tim doesn't get home until 1:30-2:00 am. The silence would make my ears ring. I'd quickly turn on the TV to whatever garbage is on at that time, just to have some background clatter to make it feel like the noisy environment that I had recently moved out of. If there were dishes, I'd wash them. If there was laundry, I'd fold it. If there was homework, I would find some other meticulous cleaning that needed to be done and eventually get to writing that paper. In any case, I kept myself busy, not just because it was my home now and I wanted it to look presentable, but also because I didn't want to sit down and think about how often I was home alone, and how I've never had to deal with being alone for more than an hour or two at a time. I couldn't tell you why it frightened me - it just did.

To add to the whole "it was my home now" bit, I had to adjust to that, too. It sure didn't feel like my home until quite recently - it was still "Tim's place." No family pictures around, none of my candles or keepsakes had been unpacked because there were no shelves to place them on, none of my books were out. That ratty, fluffy white blanket that I was so used to curling up in wasn't on the couch anymore. That squeaky floor board right in front of the fridge that I would intentionally step on repeatedly to annoy my brother was replaced with a squeak-free one. And there was that damned silence again - the baby wasn't babbling and throwing his plastic cups around, and mom & dad weren't screaming at the referees during the Wings game.

The fact that I was feeling all these incredibly bizarre and overly emotional sentiments worried me. This was supposed to be one of the most exciting moments of my life, and instead, I feel disheveled and completely out of my comfort zone.

But, not surprisingly, I adjusted over time. Each cupboard became progressively more organized, pictures of my family started going up, a magnetic notepad with Snoopy and Charlie Brown has been placed on the side of the fridge - all little things that say "Pam resides here." Not only that, but the new time with Tim has been FANTASTIC. Sure, there have been things that irk me, just like there would be with any roommate (why, oh WHY, should the can opener go in the sink after being used? AND WHY IN THE HELL ARE ALL OF THE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES GONE?!!) But, between cooking meals together, playing a few rounds of cards, or just chatting at the end of the day, I really couldn't be happier with where we are at.

Overall, I'm getting used to being a big girl - and I'm pretty darn content.